Sunday, 6 April 2014

How to Take over the Universe in Ten Steps: A Guidebook

If you are reading this then I am sure you have made the attempt to take control of some aspect of your life or another. Maybe you decided to play the floor tuba or dyed your pet badger the colours of the rainbow. Maybe you just rock out to 1812 or Beethoven's Fifth Symphony in your old car. Maybe you wear brightly coloured socks or blow your bubble gum large enough to lift a hot-air balloon basket. Whatever your normal may be, rule number one to taking over the Universe is shouting it out to the world. 

Now, I know this is meant to be a guidebook but seriously, when is there anything that anyone does the same? I mean, we don't all look the same or act the same so why do people write guidebooks to help people solve the same problem in the same way? It just isn't done. So before you waste your time reading any further, if you are looking for a guidebook that tells you how to be like everybody else. 

Stop. Being an evil overlord or creator of a new world, you can't be run-of-the-mill, or else all your mill workers will simply go on strike and find somewhere else to be stepped on. (Also, if you are going to be an overlord you don't have the time to waste on reading how-to books. Thus I have condensed this into a short list to enable access to your optimal conquering abilities).

Shouting from the Rock of the Universe. (An important daily activity).

Step One: Find yourself a Name.

Madame Director, Moony Dreamer, Moony Director, Eltara Moondancer. Richard the Lionheart, Tyrant Lord of All, Richard the Third. O Blue One, Imaginist, The Storyteller, Super Sleuth etc.

Step Two: Find yourself a Sidekick or Sidekicks and Make a Base.

Luna, Ninja, Balthinemore, Pickle, Skunks, Fred and Ted, Bee, Boswell etc. The multi-dimensional hot air balloon: The Rock-It Ship. The Tower Library. A moving castle, an airship that is a moving castle, a throne etc...

Battle for The Music.

Step Three: Find yourself some Allies.

This is where you need a list making device to record who might be on your side.

Step Four: Find yourself some Enemies. Also, Arch-enemies.

This is where you realize a lot of people have it in for you. 

Step Five: Blow something Up.

Preferably something innocuous like a coffee shop. If you don't it is possible you will experience Step Six. If you do follow my suggestion for Step Five you probably will still experience Step Six but it may fall under the second interpretation of "meltdown."

Step Six: Have a Major Meltdown.

1. Meltdown may be interpreted as realizing you've been duped by your allies, measly underlings or enemies. You now need A Change of Plans. You're emotions equal that of a rabbit of negative euphoria.

2. Meltdown may also be interpreted as realizing you've got all the cards in your hands with awesome allies, useful underlings and stupefied enemies. What to do next? You now need a New Plan. You're emotions equal that of a rabbit of star-circling headaches.  

Step Seven: Start Small. Start Subtle.

If you fell under 1. of Step Five, no worries. Step Seven is here to remind you. Start Small! Blow up another coffee shop in another corner. Then, blow up a laundromat. Maybe blow up the post-office. Domino effect your plans to bigger and bigger buildings.

If you fell under 2. of Step Five, again, no worries. Becoming the Ruler of the Universe takes time. Just keep going at the Small Stuff. Eventually you will domino effect your way onto some large structures like H&M stores or scheming banker offices.

Step Eight: Have a Change of Plans.

You're getting bored. Probably. Try something new. Maybe develop some cool mind-control devices. Stick something in the local fast food stores (well, more than whatever chemicals already exist in them).

Step Nine: Reboot the Universe.

Yay! Congratulations. You have reached the status of Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Now, where did that Big Green Button Go? Press it. It means Start-up. You get to re-start the Universe to suit your dreams and desires. Maybe one day you will make it into the Ruler of the Universe Hall of Fame. 

The Moon is always Full in this Universe.

Step Ten: Have Fun. Just Dance.

This is self-explanatory. Yes? I hope so. If not. Get out of here. You obviously do not have the makings of a Ruler of the Universe if you don't know how to have fun or dance. 

Want to be a minion? You'll get an airship.


Alright. So aside from having fun scribbling that list off, for those of you who require sensible explanations, that is what this section is for. 

Taking over the Universe is, at heart, just a more interesting way of saying you are moving in the direction of your dreams. 

You are growing your confidence. Step by step you continue experimenting with ways to reach your dream, or, if you have yet to figure out what your dream is, experimenting is a way to find that out too. 

Yes, there are mistakes, there are moments when you accidently blow up the coffee shop you like to visit (ie: whatever you were striving for); people let you down, you let yourself down and you have to back-up and start over again. 

You revaluate your situation, your resources and your dream/s.

You begin again. Never letting go of the intrinsic confidence in yourself that says you are meant to rule your universe. You are the protagonist in your own story, the leading actor in your life play, you are the Supreme Commander of Your Reality. 

Make it count. Don't just try. See it. Watch it. Feel it. Taking control of the universe is a lot of work. It's going to take time. 

In the wise words of Dori, "just keep swimming." 
(Source: Finding Nemo)

One of the best forms of transportation.

Usually mysterious, generally odd, with a fedora and curls.


© Alyssa Rae Reynolds and Moony, 2014.

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